You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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