That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
