he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
