I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
