Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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