She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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