he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
