Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
