our cab driver is having phone sex.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my being single is dangerous.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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