Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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