Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize