Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
