Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
