I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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