girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
