I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize