my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just found a bag of teeth...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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