if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
