How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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