my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
