Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Boobs are out for the taking
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
