oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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