I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think i have two assholes
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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