Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
