My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
