how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
