All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
