Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
