Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
