I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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