i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
