my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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