i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
