Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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