I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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