just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
