dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
