i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
