ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize