I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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