after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
