shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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