Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
