I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
