can u get pink eye on your cock?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
