This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
