Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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