There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
high people should be assigned attendants
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
