We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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