is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
