Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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