just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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