last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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