She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
