She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
