she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
