I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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