I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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