It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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