i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
