No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
