Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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