All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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