my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
